Friday, October 8, 2010

Dark Places

I do my best to keep Swan of Dreamers as close
to me how I really am in life. By nature, I'm glass half
full kind of woman.

Yesterday, my boyfriend, Anakin, challenged me with
love to say what is really bothering me. Then
it came pouring out of me beyond financial and personal
worries. Grief: deep, muddy and thick.

As some of you know and for new readers, January 2009
one of my best friend died unexpectedly. In the past
couple of months, I feel like I have truly accepted
his death. I guess I thought I was okay. I had passed
some imaginary mark. I've been like a bull just barreling
my way through stuff because that's what I do get through things.

Last night, I realized I can't. I'm still grieving.
I'm angry, hurt and not sure which way is up sometimes.

Why I am writing this? Even with the beauty, joy
and good of life, there is pain. The only way
we can heal is to deal with it even if it takes
you to dark places.

Honestly, I haven't wanted to go there for a while.
I have to again. I have to keep going back to my
grief until it's all spent. Until I can think
of my friend and it not rip at my heart.

This weekend, I'm taking time to be with my
grief. Remember my friend even if I have to
cry my eyes out to do so.

If there is someone out there, who is grieving.
I want to let you know you are not alone.



Beadwright said...

Hi Shell. My heart and spirit is with you. If you read my blog you know that in a span of 7 months my dad passed, my sister's husband, and month later my dear wonderful sister, and then my baby brother. Am I grieving??? OMG YES. My sister and baby brother were not just my siblings but my best friends. My sister and I would talk on the phone 4 or 5 times a day and even watch TV together on the phone. My baby brother was sick his whole life with diabetes. The last 4 months of his life I was honored to leave my home in OR to take care of him in CA. I was with him for his last breath. Peaceful and lovely. I wasn't expecting that. He was in such pain those last months. OK, so now I am crying. I know how you feel. I really do. All the emotions that make us human come to the surface and well... we do what we can. I too came home from CA in July and through myself into my work. Art. Thank the gods for that. I still cry everyday and I miss them all so much. I do know with out a doubt that all of them are happy and whole and loving and laughing and every now and then send me a sign that they love me.
Do what you must to grieve. But remember that your dear friend would want you to be alive and live fully.
Hugs and Blessings my friend.

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

It seems perfectly right and understandable that your grief for Sean should reassert itself on a regular basis. He was your best friend and you have lost him in life, though not in memory or maybe spirit. I feel for you Shell and am thinking of you. x

Caroline said...

Thank you for being honest (especially with yourself). Sometimes there is darkness in life (I am in the midst of it now...and trying to get back to the light). But it's this darkness that makes us appreciate all the goodness and beauty in life. I am sorry that you lost your friend...and it's OK to grieve. It's the only way to heal.

Sending love and light your way. xoxo

Gloria said...

Shell, my thoughts are with you. Grief is something that we have to deal with sometimes forever. I know that does not help how you feel, but it's been 6 years since I lost my son and I grieve every day Shell. I actually shed a tear every day and then I have to get my mind to concentrate on other things. I don't think it will ever go away Shell, you will learn to deal with it in your own way. Mostly the way I deal with it is that I hear my son say, "Stop it now Mom!" "Go on with your life." I tell myself that and that he is telling me, because he is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Miss your friend, love him forever, let him into your mind and tell him how much you miss him. Tell him to help you. ::hugs:: to you Shell. Take care and try to have a good weekend.

Laurel said...

Awe Sweet Shell my Sister in Sorrow. I am so wth you. It will get better in time. The sting is lessened, the anger leaves and I am left with a sort of confused sadness but the sadness seems to be less overwhelming as each year pases.
I am so happy you have love with someone who challenges you.
Sending you a warm hug and know I am sitting there right with you holding your hand.

Cinner said...

Shell, next May it will be two years since my Dad has left this world. Grief is a rollercoaster ride, thats as easily as I can say it. one moment I think I am okay, and then suddenly I am not, one day I think I am at peace and the next day I am angry at him. which is ridiculous, ahhh I just want him is so frustrating, I told my husband tonight that everything changed then...I remember reading about your friend, there is just no easy way to take the death of someone. I have never lost a best friend. your in my prayers and if I were there I would give you a big hug. there are no words to make you feel better, but I do belief dealing with it will get you through it...your a brave one my friend and a treasure. hugs.

Kiki said...

Sending love to you, Shell. Love and healing and peace and beautiful memories that make you not weep, but smile in remembrance. Until that day comes, trust in the grieving process, however it happens to present itself to you. Everyone grieves differently. Let it flow naturally.

Love and comforting hugs,

Christina said...

oh honey, i SO understand. take all the time you need...
all the time in the world. never limit healing time. i love you and am here, for you.
blessings my friend.

Tracy said...

Oh, Shell... my heart goes out to you. While I believe we don't completely lose those we love who go before us as long as we keep them alive in our hearts & minds, the day-to-day living without those we love & care about is awfully hard. Sometimes we do OK. Some days the tears won't stop. Cry when you need to. Keep his spirit renewed in your heart every day. As your friend's spirit to help you. Take you time... no sell by date on grief. ;o) ((HUGS))

Intuitive Goddess said...

I am soo sorry to know of your loss... Yes, we all experience loss which doesn't make it easier to deal with, But... We must try to remember that our grief is for
Ourselves. Those that have passed have moved on in their journey. Many times when i read for people a message or a story from the past comes through. People wonder why & although I can't say for sure; I believe it's to let the living know their loved ones are exactly where they are meant to be & their energies are still around us.
They do not want to watch us grieve. So Celebrate your friend and Honor the journey.

SarahA said...

No words other than ....beautiful; you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shell,
My heart goes out to you.
I have found that I have to revisit my grief, to make myself remember all those things about my Mom that I loved...lest I forget. And as painful as it is, I always feel better. I don't think we are ever done grieving for those we love, we just learn to tuck it away in a precious corner of our heart.
Love you sweet friend

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