Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Butterflies of change

As some of you know, I loss one of my closest friend, Sean, in early January. When I hit the sixth month mark in July it was quite painful. It truly sank in that he is gone. No more phone calls, letters or trips to Canada.

Since August, I have been redoing my home. It has spilled into other areas of my life. I want to throw out clothes, furniture, shoes. I want to change everything. I know this urge to change is part of my healing over his death. I know everyone's journey with grief is different. I wanted to ask did anyone experience this too? Or is this is my own reaction. If it is, that is fine, just curious.

If you wish to share your thoughts and don't want to leave it in the comments, you can e-mail me at as well.



glorv1 said...

I think we all go through the same healing process. Sometimes there are those that just don't want to get over their hurt. It's a very hard thing and the door can never be closed. It's always open, just a little ajar because we always hope, even though we know they are gone. Hang in there Shell, remember that life is good and he would have wanted you to keep on enjoying life. Take care, have a great rest of the week.

Vanessa Brantley Newton said...

Oh sweetie, don't I know the feeling. I have lost a few very good friends this year and last year. My friend was 37 years old and had just moved to CA with her mom and her 8 year son. I was there when her son was born. Her sister had past only 6 months before she did. She had always been sick, but not like this. When i got the call that she had passed, I was hurt, angry, numb, without words for a long while. i couldn't just pickup the phone and hear here voice and making me laugh! I miss the smell of her locs after she had washed them and oiled them with fragrant oils. I miss her fantastic cooking and our very lively conversations!!! Sometime I just think that she has gone on a long trip or something. It's not just you. So many of us deal with this. It speaks to the relationship you had with the person. I would say that something is wrong with you if you don't have feelings like this. There is nothing wrong with want to clean and put away. It's a part of the process. I held on to my mom or so many years after her passing. She didn't even look like herself and I had a picture of her on her death bed. Each time I looked at it I was so broken hearted. Finally one day, I took the picture and misplaced it on purpose. I wanted to remember her as the beautiful, strong and wise black woman she was. Not as a cancer patient. I have had such peace ever since. So go ahead and become the butterfly you are meant to be.

Laurie said...

Dear Shell,
I'm so sorry SHell, I know you were very close friends.
Even now, three years after my Mom died, I still find myself ready to pick up the phone and call her or I see something when shopping that she would like ~ and then it hits me.
Your reaction is not unusual at all. I went through this just months ago (a delayed reaction,given the circumstances of our home I think) where I just was getting rid of so much. I needed everything, new, different (including my blog!) It was very cleansing and therapeutic for my soul.
And Shell, the first year after you loose someone I think is the hardest. Of course anniversaries and holidays are always difficult. But in a sense it does get better with time. The grief never goes away, maybe just gets softer ~
Sending you lots of hugs))

Anonymous said...

Everyone handles grief differently & every death is different. When I lost my Mother to Breast Cancer in 96' I was devastated. Then my Father died in 05' from Heart Desease & I felt like I was spinning. My whole world went off it's axis. I am 58 now & I have lost several friends... 1 dear friend since HS died this past June. I still can't quite pull that into my reality.
You just have to allow yourself the tears & then pull it back together as a way to honor them. They certainly wouldn't want you to "stop living" just because they are gone.
Take Care....Give yourself time.

Laurel said...

Sending you more love my friend. Keep doing what you are doing.xxoo

Tracy said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend, Shell. I've not been following with you too long to know the details... My heart hurts for you, as I can feel your pain here... We all deal with pain, loss and grief in different ways. Making big changes like you are doing I hope heals, but also offers a new perspective on things. Life is a blessing, a gift, always to be remembered. Sean is so glad you are keeping going, keeping growing. :o) Keep up the good work of living good, Shell ((HUGS))

Carmen said...

it is actually good what are you doing, don't ever be afraid of what you feel like doing or acting specially if grief is involved it is a way of letting go.
soul hugs!

Javajune said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. In the past grief has brought about change for me to. I think it makes you take a hard look at things and realize what needs to go. I think your clensing process is a healthy thing.
with all my love and support,

Michelle (Shell) May said...

Oh my gosh!! I'm sooooooo there with you girlfriend!!!! With personal losses in June, July and August, I have been throwing out everything!! I mean everything!! Feeling like I need a fresh start, a clean slate, something....
Hugs to you. Right there with ya.

mademoisellechitchat said...

Shell: Do your thing. It's time for a cathartic release, and you are doing just that.

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kind words at my place,Shell. You are so right in what you say.
Time is a great healer, but although that burn never completely heals; it is easier to touch.

Anonymous said...

A book recommended:
'The Shack' by Wm Paul Young

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